{"id":46,"date":"2012-11-03T13:14:30","date_gmt":"2012-11-03T18:14:30","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/stevenmarchi.org\/?p=46"},"modified":"2014-09-21T23:30:12","modified_gmt":"2014-09-22T04:30:12","slug":"preconceived-notions","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/stevenmarchi.org\/?p=46","title":{"rendered":"Preconceived Notions"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u201cHello my brothah.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s new, Steve?\u201d<\/p>\n

He seemed to be very pleased with himself as he revealed, \u201cI\u2019ve decided it\u2019s time to pass on something to the next generation.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re going to become a teacher?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u00a0 I\u2019m going to become a father.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cOh.\u00a0 Who\u2019s the lucky girl?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know yet.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m pretty sure you need one of those.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay.\u00a0 The mother isn\u2019t the important part.\u00a0 My son is.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYour son.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah.\u00a0 I can see it now.\u00a0 Me and my boy, travelling the open road.\u00a0 Me teaching him all the things I\u2019ve learned.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cOkay.\u00a0 Let\u2019s back this up a second.\u00a0 We\u2019ll go back to the mother.\u00a0 Where is she while you\u2019re doing your open road training?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know.\u00a0 Wherever she wants to be.\u00a0 She can do whatever she wants. \u00a0It\u2019s her life.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cSo you\u2019re not going to be married?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot everyone follows the established patterns, Mike.\u201d\u00a0 <\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYes, but where are you going to get a mother who is willing to let you go on the open road with your kid.\u00a0 I assume you\u2019re not talking about travelling with a baby.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOf course not.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cSo, what age is this grand education happening?\u00a0 Five? Six?\u201d\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, there abouts.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cSo for five or six years, are you going to be around?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen I can.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cSo you\u2019re leaving her alone to raise the baby, then you\u2019re going to take over?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShe won\u2019t be alone.\u00a0 We\u2019ll have friends around who will help.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cLike a commun\u2026ity?\u201d, (woops, almost said commune).<\/p>\n

\u201cAbsolutely.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cAnd you\u2019re going to find a girl who\u2019s comfortable with this idea of co-parenting with you until you\u2019re ready to take over.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes. \u201c<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cOkay, then I\u2019m not worried.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHuh?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, you\u2019re not going to find anyone willing to do this.\u00a0 So this is fine.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u00a0 You don\u2019t get it.\u00a0 I know she\u2019ll be willing because that\u2019s the condition for this.\u00a0 She\u2019s not going to want a commitment.\u00a0 She\u2019s going to be willing to share this. \u00a0She\u2019s going to support this idea.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cOh, really?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAbsolutely.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cOkay Steve.\u00a0 I\u2019m sorry, but you need to hear this.\u00a0 You\u2019ve got a romanticized view of parenting, and reality isn\u2019t going to play along.<\/p>\n

\u201cLet\u2019s assume you\u2019re right.\u00a0 Let\u2019s assume you find this magical woman who is willing to go along with your idea for group parenting.\u00a0 Let\u2019s even assume she took responsibility for the baby and toddler years, and you find yourself taking custody of the child at age five.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRight.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cSo you\u2019re ready to begin your grand education.\u00a0 You pack up your daughter, pop her in the booster seat\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSon.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cNo Steve.\u00a0 Daughter.\u00a0 Because you don\u2019t get to choose.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo you and your daughter are cruising the roads, and you are teaching her everything you know of the world.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFine.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cNow the mother, who has spent the last five years and nine months being more dedicated to this arrangement than you, is finding herself with an open hole in her life.\u00a0 And she goes out and finds some other guy to be with.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t have a problem with that.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cNow this new guy, has money.\u00a0 Because mom <\/em>is tired of living in the commune, and wants to do something nice for herself.\u00a0 This guy sizes up the situation, and HE doesn\u2019t like it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShe never would have picked him.\u00a0 That\u2019s not the kind of person she is.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cIn fact, he doesn\u2019t like the situation SO much, he decides the only sensible thing to do is to adopt your daughter, and sue for sole custody.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNow you\u2019re just being difficult.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cSo you are summoned to court, and you show up.\u00a0 This guy and mom, tell the judge they want to provide a stable home life for your daughter.\u00a0 They want to make sure she has an education and wants for nothing.\u00a0 She would have two full-time parents.\u00a0 The prospective adoptive father is \u2026 I don\u2019t know \u2026 a lawyer.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo the judge turns to you, and asks, Mr. Marchi, would you care to explain your plan for your daughter?\u00a0 And you tell him about your open-road training program.\u00a0 He asks you where you and your daughter sleep at night.\u00a0 He asks about when was the last time she attended school.\u00a0 He asks what you intend to do if she gets sick.\u00a0 And then he asks what you do for a living.<\/p>\n

\u201cSteven, do you really think a judge is going to award custody of a little girl to a single, male stripper, who doesn\u2019t even have a mailing address?\u201d<\/p>\n

Steve was quiet for a minute afterwards.\u00a0 I was surprised at how adamant I was on this subject, and how much it bothered me.\u00a0 He had triggered my father instinct, and all I could do was picture all the ways for this particular plan to go wrong.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry Steve.\u00a0 If you want to be a big brother to some kid out there, I\u2019m all for that.\u00a0 If you want to become a teacher or a philosopher, I\u2019ll back you up.\u00a0 But I can\u2019t sit by and let you bring a child into that kind of situation without making sure you understand the commitment you\u2019d be making.\u00a0 And it\u2019s a commitment you can\u2019t just walk away from.\u201d<\/p>\n

We ended the conversation shortly after that, with me closing with, \u201cPlease just think about what I said.\u201d<\/p>\n

When I got home, I told Becky about the conversation.\u00a0 Her mommy instinct engaged even stronger than I had reacted.\u00a0 \u201cYou realize if he did that, we\u2019d have another child in the house.\u201d<\/p>\n

The next time I talked to Steve, I asked if he was still looking to become a father.\u00a0 He responded that he no longer thought that was such a good idea for the moment.\u00a0 But he seemed to like the teacher\/life-coach idea.<\/p>\n

Crisis averted.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cHello my brothah.\u201d \u201cWhat\u2019s new, Steve?\u201d He seemed to be very pleased with himself as he revealed, \u201cI\u2019ve decided it\u2019s time to pass on something to the next generation.\u201d \u201cYou\u2019re going to become a teacher?\u201d \u201cNo.\u00a0 I\u2019m going to become … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_coblocks_attr":"","_coblocks_dimensions":"","_coblocks_responsive_height":"","_coblocks_accordion_ie_support":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[18,7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-46","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-hello-my-brothah","category-philosophy"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/stevenmarchi.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/46","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/stevenmarchi.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/stevenmarchi.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stevenmarchi.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stevenmarchi.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=46"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/stevenmarchi.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/46\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":257,"href":"https:\/\/stevenmarchi.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/46\/revisions\/257"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/stevenmarchi.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=46"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stevenmarchi.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=46"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stevenmarchi.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=46"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}