“Hello my brothah.”
“What’s new, Steve?”
He seemed to be very pleased with himself as he revealed, “I’ve decided it’s time to pass on something to the next generation.”
“You’re going to become a teacher?”
“No. I’m going to become a father.”
“Oh. Who’s the lucky girl?”
“I don’t know yet.”
“I’m pretty sure you need one of those.”
“Okay. The mother isn’t the important part. My son is.”
“Your son.”
“Yeah. I can see it now. Me and my boy, travelling the open road. Me teaching him all the things I’ve learned.”
“Okay. Let’s back this up a second. We’ll go back to the mother. Where is she while you’re doing your open road training?”
“I don’t know. Wherever she wants to be. She can do whatever she wants. It’s her life.”
“So you’re not going to be married?”
“Not everyone follows the established patterns, Mike.”
“Yes, but where are you going to get a mother who is willing to let you go on the open road with your kid. I assume you’re not talking about travelling with a baby.”
“Of course not.”
“So, what age is this grand education happening? Five? Six?””
“Yeah, there abouts.”
“So for five or six years, are you going to be around?”
“When I can.”
“So you’re leaving her alone to raise the baby, then you’re going to take over?”
“She won’t be alone. We’ll have friends around who will help.”
“Like a commun…ity?”, (woops, almost said commune).
“Absolutely.”
“And you’re going to find a girl who’s comfortable with this idea of co-parenting with you until you’re ready to take over.”
“Yes. “
“Okay, then I’m not worried.”
“Huh?”
“Well, you’re not going to find anyone willing to do this. So this is fine.”
“No. You don’t get it. I know she’ll be willing because that’s the condition for this. She’s not going to want a commitment. She’s going to be willing to share this. She’s going to support this idea.”
“Oh, really?”
“Absolutely.”
“Okay Steve. I’m sorry, but you need to hear this. You’ve got a romanticized view of parenting, and reality isn’t going to play along.
“Let’s assume you’re right. Let’s assume you find this magical woman who is willing to go along with your idea for group parenting. Let’s even assume she took responsibility for the baby and toddler years, and you find yourself taking custody of the child at age five.”
“Right.”
“So you’re ready to begin your grand education. You pack up your daughter, pop her in the booster seat…”
“Son.”
“No Steve. Daughter. Because you don’t get to choose.”
“So you and your daughter are cruising the roads, and you are teaching her everything you know of the world.”
“Fine.”
“Now the mother, who has spent the last five years and nine months being more dedicated to this arrangement than you, is finding herself with an open hole in her life. And she goes out and finds some other guy to be with.”
“I don’t have a problem with that.”
“Now this new guy, has money. Because mom is tired of living in the commune, and wants to do something nice for herself. This guy sizes up the situation, and HE doesn’t like it.”
“She never would have picked him. That’s not the kind of person she is.”
“In fact, he doesn’t like the situation SO much, he decides the only sensible thing to do is to adopt your daughter, and sue for sole custody.”
“Now you’re just being difficult.”
“So you are summoned to court, and you show up. This guy and mom, tell the judge they want to provide a stable home life for your daughter. They want to make sure she has an education and wants for nothing. She would have two full-time parents. The prospective adoptive father is … I don’t know … a lawyer.
“So the judge turns to you, and asks, Mr. Marchi, would you care to explain your plan for your daughter? And you tell him about your open-road training program. He asks you where you and your daughter sleep at night. He asks about when was the last time she attended school. He asks what you intend to do if she gets sick. And then he asks what you do for a living.
“Steven, do you really think a judge is going to award custody of a little girl to a single, male stripper, who doesn’t even have a mailing address?”
Steve was quiet for a minute afterwards. I was surprised at how adamant I was on this subject, and how much it bothered me. He had triggered my father instinct, and all I could do was picture all the ways for this particular plan to go wrong.
“I’m sorry Steve. If you want to be a big brother to some kid out there, I’m all for that. If you want to become a teacher or a philosopher, I’ll back you up. But I can’t sit by and let you bring a child into that kind of situation without making sure you understand the commitment you’d be making. And it’s a commitment you can’t just walk away from.”
We ended the conversation shortly after that, with me closing with, “Please just think about what I said.”
When I got home, I told Becky about the conversation. Her mommy instinct engaged even stronger than I had reacted. “You realize if he did that, we’d have another child in the house.”
The next time I talked to Steve, I asked if he was still looking to become a father. He responded that he no longer thought that was such a good idea for the moment. But he seemed to like the teacher/life-coach idea.
Crisis averted.